How can we be present with what feels so unbearably hard?

How can we coexist with our big feelings when everything in us is asking for our avoidance? This is our typical and very valid reaction when faced with any kind of adversity or discomfort.  Our evolved human mind is hardwired to help us problem solve, ruminate, worry, fix, to keep us safe, comfortable and bottom line- survive.  Our mind is crazy powerful and I am so grateful for the protection it aims to provide.  However, there is a pitfall with this design I wish to highlight when it comes to FEELING. 

Can we actually fix our feelings? 

The idea of needing to fix something assumes that it is a problem, either by being judged as wrong or broken.  It also provides the illusion that if something can be fixed then the problem will go away.  Feelings are not problems to be solved or something we can tangibly get rid of.  Feelings are currents of energy that manifest as sensation in the body.  The word emotion is E-motion, as in energy in motion and occurs at the body level.  The sensations we feel provide feedback, alerting us to something they would like us to acknowledge or pay attention to.  They are asking to be noticed, however, are often ignored or pushed away because we have never truly learned how to be with our feelings or that it is safe to be with them. Unless we learned the art of being with and accepting our feelings early on, our experience has likely been one of mind domination and fear- where we direct energy to turning away from (even unknowingly) any sensation or feeling in our body that feels uncomfortable and we cannot make sense of. When the mind kicks into high gear believing it must protect us, this keeps us stuck in a state of disconnection from our bodies and from feeling.

Truth: Dear mind, thank you. Your protection is not required at this time.  

What can we learn by being WITH our feelings?  

When fighting, avoiding, escaping, numbing, or distracting yourself from feeling this will only intensify those feelings over time, making you feel more stuck (opposite of helpful!). By moving away from feeling, you deny and invalidate the reality of your feelings and inner experience – which feeds shame and fosters disconnection from your true essence.  

However when we acknowledge and be with our feelings, we in turn honour our inner world and experiences and allow our emotions to be felt, to be processed and moved through, which communicates a very different message. One that affirms that what we are experiencing is difficult but valid, and accepts our experience as necessary in order to move more freely through life.

Maybe there is nothing to do

The aim here is not to banish the anxiety or get rid of the hurt or sadness.  If you are catching on, this is not possible. Just like how we cannot control the weather, we cannot control our emotions.  However, we can control how we might prepare or plan accordingly with an umbrella or warm jacket if it is going to rain or snow so that we can coexist more comfortably.  It is the same idea with our emotions. 

Similarly you can think about all the difficult thoughts, emotions, sensations, and memories you experience as an emotional storm.  We cannot make the storm go away, but we can support ourselves to hold steady by acknowledging and turning towards what feels hard while the storm passes. 

Notice the expectations you place on yourself. Do you expect that you should be able to stop or control your feelings? That you should be able to get rid of your negative emotions, and believe you will only feel better when you are no longer feeling them at all?  You are not alone. And I am here to crush this widely believed myth that commonly circulates in our world around us. One that frequently pathologizes feeling and leads us to question ourselves.  We fear that if we cannot control our feelings then there is something wrong with us, rather than considering that feeling is a genuine, natural and energetic part of the human experience that moves us towards alignment.  

Truth: When you feel there is nothing wrong with you. When you feel you move into closer alignment with Self and feel better.  

Something for you

If pushing, resisting, denying, avoiding and fighting with your thoughts and feelings is your normal, I have something that can help you to shift your experience and exist with what feels hard. I have created a Mindful Grounding Practice that will guide you to connect to different anchor points to hold yourself steady when big emotions surface. Creating space to feel through any discomfort and pain that feeling anxiety, overwhelm, sadness, grief, guilt or shame or any other emotion brings.  

This practice gives you some practical tools for turning towards what is here in the present moment with openness and curiosity. Noticing, and holding space for what feels uncomfortable. It's sequence of steps are the first tool that I teach to all my clients.  I would also go so far as to call it straight up essential for when learning how to exist more neutrally with uncomfortable thoughts and feelings. 

The more we can be with the discomfort the more we give it permission to move freely through our bodies.  When we allow it to move freely, we are no longer fighting. We are honouring our truth and lived experiences.  We are creating space. We are feeling forward.

Feeling ready for something more, something that allows you to dig a little deeper and get to the root of it? Did you know I offer free 15 minute consultations? Let’s explore if working together one-one feels like a good fit.