What Happened When I Stopped Fixing and Started Feeling
For years I struggled to sit with my emotions
Fear and anxiety were my day-to-day growing up although I did not understand it in this way then. Today I have come to understand that I was fearful of the unknown and uncertainty that came with living in my family unit. As an only child growing up in the midst of a complicated divorce I believed that anything other than a nuclear family was "bad" and this meant I was less than and alone.
Although I felt safe in a physical sense, I did not feel safe in knowing who I was, in trusting my true self or my worth, and today feelings of aloneness and the "I'm not enough" narrative can still trigger me. Early on my parents dictated how I felt inside. If they were "ok" then I was "ok."
Later this extended to friends, boyfriends, colleagues, and so on. I learned pretty quickly that my emotions and worth were directly tied to how I perceived another's emotions, and that I would accommodate or do whatever was necessary in order for others to feel "ok" so that I, in turn, could be "ok." You following me so far?
If I was triggered I had to control, I had to fix
If I was triggered or left feeling any uncomfortable emotions, I had to control, I had to fix, or I had to save so others in my life and myself could feel better fast. It is no wonder now that I understand this, that I went into the field of social work because being able to fix problems for clients provided huge validation and positive self-worth.
If I could not control or fix a situation in my life, fear and anxiety were usually right there to guide me next. Because I could not trust these emotions, I tried my hardest to push them away or avoid them. I looked outside myself to feel better.
To cope, I avoided time spent alone and collected many friends. I subconsciously turned to food or sweets to soothe or comfort, while also running and exercising to the extreme to balance it out. At the same time, I stayed in a toxic relationship for far too long because I was repeating my parents patterns and focusing on my partner took the spotlight off myself.
And later, although starting therapy to look to someone else to help me feel better, I would keep doing to add more courses and certifications to my plate and work harder faster, stronger holding down multiple jobs, starting my private practice, and having little time or energy left for myself.
Temporarily this chaos provided an escape, validation, and safety for feeling "good enough."
In the long run, it was never enough and I had to keep doing more. As Brene Brown says, I had to keep hustling for my worthiness.
The truth is a couple of things happened where I believe the universe stopped me dead in my tracks to examine the path I was going down. I was still working too hard, but happily married by this point and we wanted a family. I was not getting pregnant.
Despite all my knowledge of nutrition, I knew that my stress and lack of rest were likely working against me and I needed to shift how I was living big time. I needed to slow the F@*# down. I had to set some boundaries and I needed to do less and prioritize myself for once. So that's what I did.
I committed to practices that helped me to loosen my grip on the wheel and to invite trust and surrender in.
This was hugely difficult at the time but slowly what I was doing became more about being with myself and my feelings. I got pregnant about 8 months later and then a few months after that- Covid.
Covid truly stretched everyone in their own way and what it meant for me was more time with myself and my family, doing way less and feeling way more, all while welcoming my first baby girl into the world.
I am so grateful to now be a mother to two beautiful girls which both fills my cup and challenges me every day. This time for pause was truly a blessing and from this moment on I have been committed to my healing journey with new conscious awareness.
I feel first, I do not fix.
I trust more and control less. I use my intuition and listen to my body when it comes to what I eat, what I feel and what I need. I tune into my values and prioritize what matters to me. All of this collectively brings me closer to who I am and into alignment with my true self. This is how I wish to show up for myself, my husband, for my girls, and for women both in my inner circle and my community.